DanielYKL

 Occasionally I would go to the market to get fruits. And two days ago, when I went to get some bananas, the fruit-seller asked me, how was my throat. He thought that I just lost my voice temporary, and told me to take some kind of chinese herbs that can bring back my voice. So I’ve to explain to him - in my own way, that I had cancer of the throat and showed him the scar, and with the action of my hand to tell him I had surgery and my larynx has been removed - and that I cannot speak anymore. Then he said “Oh! I didn’t know, I thought you just lost your voice temporary due to some sickness.” He said that I look much better now and have put on some weight. When he saw me a few months ago, I look so skinny.  Then he said that actually he could understand what I was trying to say by reading my lips.

          That’s quite true in a way.  I realized that if I only speak a word or two, people do or can understand what I’m trying to say - especially when it’s related to the subject or situation. Example: If I go to the fruit-seller and say “pisang raja” - he would be able to understand, as it is related to what he sells. If I don’t try to “speak” more than 2 or 3 words, it is most likely you will be able to catch what I’m trying to say. Of course by now, I have developed certain ways of communicating with people who are familiar with me. And if my message doesn’t get across, then a pen and a piece of paper should do the trick (haha!!!) 

It has been more than 5 months after my surgery. Things are getting better. I’m now back on normal diet - just that I try to abstain from meat. But still sometimes I have difficulty swallowing certain kind of food - especially if they are fibrous or too chunky. Anyway, I have learned how to slowly chew my food, and even when it gets stuck - I’ve found a way to slowly swallow it in. - haha!!! And the good news is that I can manage spicy food again. After the radiation from my radiotherapy last year, I could hardly eat any spicy food at all, it will really burn my mouth - not even food with pepper in it.  And now I can once again enjoy curry and sambal.  My food palate is much much better compared with the time after my radiation treatment and even before my surgery in the beginning of this year. In fact its back to normal - except for the swallowing part.

I still do cough out mucus but not that much now and have also learned how to control it.  Found a way to flush out the mucus - I would wash the edge around the stomo with cotton wool soaked with saline and at the same time while cleaning it, I let the saline drib into the stoma. And in a little while I would start coughing out the mucus and cleared the air passage. (When I say I cough, it means I cough out from the stoma - the hole in my neck, not from my mouth!) My breathing now is back to normal, except that I’m breathing through my stoma.

God will make all things beautiful again in His time. God makes everything happen at the right time. Yet none of us can ever fully understand all he has done, and he puts questions in our minds about the past and the future. I know the best thing we can do is to always enjoy life. If you have faith in God, you already have eternal life and a life to it’s fullest. Trust the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight all your paths.

                               I always believed that the last 23 years of my life has been a bonus from God since I quit drugs and committed my life to Him. I could have been dead by now from overdosed – as some of my friends did - or from some infections or from contacting HIV through intravenous. This I’m sure I can speak for some of my friends who were in the same boat as I was.
                          You see, there were five of us who knew each other since we were in primary school. We were about the same age, maybe about a year different between some of us. We grew up in the same neighborhood and some of us even went to the same school. During our teens, we go camping and picnics, dated girls, party, played in a “pop” band and do many other crazy things any teens would do. Some of us are into sports, even representing our states in football and one of us was a state 110 meter hurdler.
                         At that time, the Beatles and the Rolling Stones were such an influenced in our lives with their music. We were in the beginning of the Rock Era or rather the Hippie Era We kept our hair long; wear colorful “bell-bottom” pants, jeans, Nehru jacket, tie and dye T-shirts and riding chopped-up Honda S90. (haha!) Then we started to smoked cigarettes thinking that it’s cool and makes us looks macho. And we formed a band, playing real nice “bubblegum” pop music. We were even doing gigs on weekends while we were still in school. All that was just clean teenage fun or phase.
                          Then one day, one of out the “band of brothers” brought some ganja for us to experience. Not many of us like it at first but in due time we were consuming more and more of it. The reason is because we were told that you will perform and sing better when you are high on ganja. Personally, I don’t there is any truth in it. In fact I think it makes your singing even worst as you tend to forget your parts and your mouth is always dried up. But we didn’t stop here, we progressed to the heavier stuff – heroin! Yes all of us got hooked on it and that’s when our lives take a down turn. We became slaves to Heroin! We drifted apart from one another – and each of us found our own destiny to hell in a different way.
                         But God came to our rescued. God gave each and everyone of us a second chance. Even though we were separate because of drugs, we were brought back together again because of His love.  The amazing we are still the best of friends and always in touch with one another. What happened to us?
     
                     Billy or (Gideon) – He was the one who introduced us to Heroin. He then became a drug dealer and was also involved in burglaries, road-side robberies, house-breaking, extortions, gangsterism, etc. He was in and out of prison for many years. Then one day a friend’s mother came and visit him in prison shared to him about Jesus. She left a tract for him. And as he was about to use the tract to roll tobacco with he saw this phrase, “He can make you the man you that you should be.”  And that phrase became the motto of The Hiding Place – the Christian Drugs Rehabilitation- which he founded after serving his time in prison in 1981. Many have gone through the program and I’m one of the products of Hiding Place. He now serve as a director there and is a sort about speaker on drugs related issues. Today, he is married with four children and is better known as Gideon Khoo.
                         

                                Eugene – He used to called Eddy but then he changed to Eugene. He, like Billy became a drug pusher and was engaged in criminal activities. Later he moved to Kuala Lumpur and continued to live his life as a drug addict. Finally he decided to quit and got himself admitted in a Christian drug rehabilitation program. After he has completed the program, he came out and pioneered the Care Centre in Subang with the FGA Church of KL. He later further his theological studies in the Texas, USA and became a pastor. He has since then left the church. Today he is a successful businessman and is married with two sons.
     
     
     
                            Frankie or (Reuben) – He was just as bad as any of us.  But after when he was heavily hooked on heroin, he became more or less a loner. He has been in and out of prison a few times. After more than 10 years since I last met him, I met him again outside the immigration office in Penang. There he was filling in application forms for people for a small fee. He was still on drugs but he wanted to quit. So I took him in to the Hiding Place and since then he has never look back again. He changed his name to Reuben. He later served at the Hiding Place for few years. Later he went on to serve as a full time staff at True Light Baptist Church before pursuing a degree in Christian Theology at a local theological seminary. Later he was ordained as a pastor and served at Patani Baptist Church in Sungai Patani. Two years after his marriage, the Lord took him home. He died of liver failure. And now we can confidently say this for Reuben – “You have fought the good fight, you have finished the race, and you have kept the faith…”
      
                            Sunny Boy – He was the “angel” among us. He has never been to prison, never done any crime and no police record. But one thing though, he too became addicted to ganja and heroin. He was the lead guitarist in my band –The Jokers. He was and still is a professional keyboardist playing in clubs all over Malaysia. He too, became a Christian and was baptized in the church was working in. Today, he is living in the USA with his wife and two beautiful young daughters.
     
                          Danny or (Daniel) – That’s was my name before I change it to Daniel when I became a Christian in 1984. Prior to that, I have been a drug addict, hooked on ganja, heroin, etc.., for a good 15 years of his life. To support my addiction, I resolved to crime, such as burglaries, extortions, house-breaking and dealing with drugs.
                       I have traveled overland from India to Europe twice and was a drug pusher in Germany and France. I was arrested in Germany and was remanded in prison for 4 months. I have also spent four and a half years of his life in prison for drugs related offences here in Penang. After completing his prison terms, I continued my life of crime, deceit and drugs, and I was living in the streets for 2 years, sleeping at five-foot ways.
                       Finally, when I realized that I was not living anymore, just existing, I then decided to quit what I was doing. I even considered suicide, but then decided if I was going to die, might as well give myself another chance and get rehabilitated.  I then admitted myself to The Hiding Place, a Christian Drugs Rehabilitation Centre.
                    After completing my two years program, I continued to serve at the Hiding Place for another four years. I got married to in 1991.  Since then, I have served full-time in churches, social works, and pioneered Life Zone, a Christian Drugs Rehabilitation Centre with Glad Tidings. PJ.
                           In 1991, I migrated to Australia with my wife and stepson and was a permanent resident there for 7 years. After coming back to Penang in 1998 I continued to do social work and later served full-time with Excel Point Community Church from 2001, until I was diagnosed with Stage 2 cancer of the Larynx in 2005 and resigned from my work in 2006. I went through a 33 course of radiotherapy. And later there was a recurrence and this time I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer of the larynx. I went through a 10 hour Total Laryngectomy Surgery, where my entire larynx is removed, with includes my vocal cord and also my thyroid. I also have to do a tracheotomy, an artificial opening called a stoma in the front of the neck. My normal speech is permanently no longer possible.
     
                       That’s us! Sometimes I still can’t believe how God in His divine intervention has brought all of us together again and not only that, He has placed a calling in each us to serve Him and the community within our capability. Glory to God!
     
     

See No Evil
Speak No Evil
Hear No Evil

                   This is a familiar saying for someone who does not want to know or get involved with a conflict or trouble. They just want to wash their hands clean. The less they know the better it is. But then if you think about it, what it would really be like if you really can’t see, speak or hear? Have you ever thought about it? Now, since I can’t speak - I have been thinking a lot about it. Which would be worst?
                 All my life I have been talking and all of a sudden a great part of me has been taken away. If I was born with it, maybe it might not be so bad and would be easier to accept.  I would never know what talking is all about and I would have learned how to communicate through sign language or other means. Sometimes I just can’t believe that I can never talk again. And it is a great effort for me to have to adapt to this new lifestyle. Yes, there is only one word to describe it all – FRUSTRATING!
                          But then I was thinking what would happen if I can’t see. Just imagine all of a sudden sight has been taken away from you. Your world will be in total darkness. The light in your life has been shut off. You will never see the colours and beauty of the day or the moon and the stars in the night. Just imagine you have to live without sight. How are you going to find you way through life?  Once you could drive and now you can’t, you have to rely on people to get you around. No more TV, video, cinema, and computer. You will never know what the colours of your clothes are. Or the how your hair looks like. And what about coping with your daily routine at home? Like I said if you are born blind, that’s another matter all together. But you are not! You have seen the colours of the rainbow. The sea waves, trees, mountains, and birds in the sky. You enjoyed watching football, F1 racing, badminton, etc…and suddenly you can never see all those things again. Just imagine! It will be devastating!
                               And how about not being able to hear? You be living in a silent world. A world without sound.  If you watch a movie, you have to rely and read the subtitles- if they are correctly translated. No more music. And you won’t be able to hear your own voice when you speak – in other words you will not be able to control the pitch or tone of your voice. You would not know how loud or soft your voice is. You have to either learn how to read lips or people have to write to communicate to you. Just like I have to write to communicate to people or they can read my lips if they know how.
                           You can think of hundreds of difficulties or setbacks apart from some of the things I mentioned above. Well, as for me I guess not being able to talk is not so bad compared with not being able to see or hear. The only setback is you can’t talk. Of course it’s difficult but still it’s easier to get on with life – I think.

Our eyes can never see enough to be satisfied; our ears can never hear enough
No one has ever been able to tame the tongue.  Ecc 1:8, Jam 3:8 
 

So how do I communicate with people? Or how do people communicate with me? My only means of communication now at the moment is in writing. I have a small note pad and a pen always in my car. I bring it along when I visit the doctors for my check up, or when I know I’m supposed to me someone. If these people know my condition that’s fine, they know how to respond. If not then some of them will take my note book and write back to me. I have to tell them that I am not deaf, I only can’t talk but I can hear. And they feel so embarrassed. I think some people feel uncomfortable with me because they don’t know how to react to me.  I don’t blame them. Or some of them even though they know I can, they try to talk to me with signs, until I have to remind them that I can HEAR! But the best was this old friend who was at a birthday party. We were all talking and me writing as usual. Then she looked at me and was amazed that I could learn to read lips so well in such a short time. I have to tell that I can hear – I don’t have to read lips! Then she laughed and said “Aiyah, I forgot that you cannot talk but can hear lah!” Even until today, even though some of them know I can hear they still forget and communicate with me with signs.
 And also most of the time when I go to a shop to buy something, I have to point to what I want or talk, hoping they can read my lips. Normally they have no problem understanding me. But the problem is they answered me by pointing to what I want or show some kind of signs. Most people think just because you can’t talk, you can’t hear too. Then I have to point to my ears to tell them that I can hear. Yea I put people in an uncomfortable position. Sorry guys!!!

This is how i look three months after the surgery and after the haircut.

This is the report from the Pet Scan I did recently: “The finding suggest metabolic active right cervical nodol disease (level II) likely due to metastasis.”

Definition of Metastasis 

Metastasis: 1. The process by which cancer spreads from the place at which it first arose as a primary tumor to distant locations in the body.2. The cancer resulting from the spread of the primary tumor. For example, someone with melanoma may have a metastasis in their brain. And a person with colon cancer may, fortunately, show no metastases.  

Metastasis depends on the cancer cells acquiring two separate abilities — increased motility and invasiveness. Cells that metastasize are basically of the same kind as those in the original tumor. If a cancer arises in the lung and metastasizes to the liver, the cancer cells in the liver are lung cancer cells. However, the cells have acquired increased motility and the ability to invade another organ.

The ancient Greeks used the word metastasis to mean “removal from one place to another.” The plural of “metastasis” is “metastases.”

As you can read from the above definition, it simply means that the cancer has spread to the right cervical. and it at stage or level II. But the doctors after much discussion said that they will leave it for the time being as they cannot feel the node on the neck and they said it might not be cancer. Now they will wait and monitor for another and see the progress. I just hope the doctors are right about their diagnosis.